After the unexplainable rage subsides I am left with a throbbing forehead and a bruised palm/knuckles.
I don’t know why I did it.
It felt invigorating. I felt in control.
Maybe, I thought to myself, my mind wanted to turn my rage-filled thoughts into actions. My Head thought, “maybe if I turn my actions physical they will leave my mental..”. it didn’t work that way.
After I engaged in self harm I thought I had really damaged something. I did. I popped a blood vessel in my hand from smacking my forehead so violently. I had bruised my knuckles as well as my face.
I didn’t care about the bruises.
I didn’t care about my hurt hand.
I just want these feelings to GO AWAY.
I was doing so great for a whole week I was getting back in control. Four days ago I felt it creeping back but tried to tune it out. I stopped going to yoga, stopped cooking my own food, and am on edge with everyone because at any moment they could set me off spiraling down again.
Waking up this morning and rolling over was painful. Just brushing my head against something hurts. I am so angry with myself for causing myself harm. I can’t explain it, but it almost feels good. I almost escape.
This morning was one for the books. I woke up feeling that goddamn anxious feeling. This feeling that I wasn’t going to live through today. I saw video clips of me driving on the highway and drifting into an 18 wheeler and getting crushed. I saw myself lit on fire. I wanted to hurt myself to feel some kind of pain to make the thoughts go away, but instead I told myself that I was okay and that I can breathe and move and that I’M IN CONTROL. It wasn’t easy and my head tried to trick me out of it. This is all at 7:30 am. By 8:45 I was thinking about how I was going to spend my day. I wanted to go to yoga at 10:45 (didn’t end up happening) and I wanted to go for a walk in the woods at a popular hiking location. My boyfriend said he wanted to go hiking with me so we got ready and asked our roommate if he wanted to come as well. He said no because a friend of ours was having breakfast at his house and said we should all go. Anthony looked at me and said, “do you want to go, Nikki?” I could tell by his expression he wanted to go. So I said sure let’s go. Our roommate then informs us it’s not until noon… it’s currently 10:20 and I’m ready to go hiking. Now I have to wait until after noon to do something I’m ready to do NOW. I didn’t want to be difficult so I just sat it out and waited to leave. When we got to our friends place he wasn’t there. He was at the store getting food. That’s when I felt my neck tense up and I started having these vicious thoughts of rage again. I wanted to murder someone. I wanted to bash my face through the car window and sit there with glass shards sticking out of my face to show people how angry I was that my whole day got off track because of breakfast. Who even has breakfast at noon anyways…? Anyways. We ended up leaving and driving toward the hiking spot. I didn’t even want to go because I was so angry so I told Anthony (boyfriend) to turn around and just go home. He brought me home and we didn’t speak the whole way. That made me even more angry. We got home and he doesn’t even get out of the car, he just says, “I’m going to Ryan’s if you don’t mind. I want to see my friends if you want to stay at the house”. I went inside, sat on the couch, thought about how shitty today already was when it was bearly past noon, and punched my head until it was tingling. It felt good. But somewhere deeeeep down was very sad that I had done that. As if I was disappointed with myself when it was myself that had done it. I had a plan this morning… I was going to go to yoga, but when Anthony said he would rather go hiking with me I opted out of yoga and changed plans only to have all of mine fall through and now I’m alone. I texted him that I’m upset about being alone and he responded with “you could have came to Ryan’s”. No I couldn’t have. I’m to depressed to even take my shoes off. I don’t want to waste today because it’s the last full day I have off until I go back to work. I wanted today to be special, I wanted to spend it outside enjoying nature with the company of Anthony. I don’t have the ambition to do anything anymore. I don’t know how to pass the time but I want this day to end.