After the unexplainable rage subsides I am left with a throbbing forehead and a bruised palm/knuckles.
I don’t know why I did it.
It felt invigorating. I felt in control.
Maybe, I thought to myself, my mind wanted to turn my rage-filled thoughts into actions. My Head thought, “maybe if I turn my actions physical they will leave my mental..”. it didn’t work that way.
After I engaged in self harm I thought I had really damaged something. I did. I popped a blood vessel in my hand from smacking my forehead so violently. I had bruised my knuckles as well as my face.
I didn’t care about the bruises.
I didn’t care about my hurt hand.
I just want these feelings to GO AWAY.
I was doing so great for a whole week I was getting back in control. Four days ago I felt it creeping back but tried to tune it out. I stopped going to yoga, stopped cooking my own food, and am on edge with everyone because at any moment they could set me off spiraling down again.
Waking up this morning and rolling over was painful. Just brushing my head against something hurts. I am so angry with myself for causing myself harm. I can’t explain it, but it almost feels good. I almost escape.