After the unexplainable rage subsides I am left with a throbbing forehead and a bruised palm/knuckles.
I don’t know why I did it.
It felt invigorating. I felt in control.
Maybe, I thought to myself, my mind wanted to turn my rage-filled thoughts into actions. My Head thought, “maybe if I turn my actions physical they will leave my mental..”. it didn’t work that way.
After I engaged in self harm I thought I had really damaged something. I did. I popped a blood vessel in my hand from smacking my forehead so violently. I had bruised my knuckles as well as my face.
I didn’t care about the bruises.
I didn’t care about my hurt hand.
I just want these feelings to GO AWAY.
I was doing so great for a whole week I was getting back in control. Four days ago I felt it creeping back but tried to tune it out. I stopped going to yoga, stopped cooking my own food, and am on edge with everyone because at any moment they could set me off spiraling down again.
Waking up this morning and rolling over was painful. Just brushing my head against something hurts. I am so angry with myself for causing myself harm. I can’t explain it, but it almost feels good. I almost escape.
This morning was one for the books. I woke up feeling that goddamn anxious feeling. This feeling that I wasn’t going to live through today. I saw video clips of me driving on the highway and drifting into an 18 wheeler and getting crushed. I saw myself lit on fire. I wanted to hurt myself to feel some kind of pain to make the thoughts go away, but instead I told myself that I was okay and that I can breathe and move and that I’M IN CONTROL. It wasn’t easy and my head tried to trick me out of it. This is all at 7:30 am. By 8:45 I was thinking about how I was going to spend my day. I wanted to go to yoga at 10:45 (didn’t end up happening) and I wanted to go for a walk in the woods at a popular hiking location. My boyfriend said he wanted to go hiking with me so we got ready and asked our roommate if he wanted to come as well. He said no because a friend of ours was having breakfast at his house and said we should all go. Anthony looked at me and said, “do you want to go, Nikki?” I could tell by his expression he wanted to go. So I said sure let’s go. Our roommate then informs us it’s not until noon… it’s currently 10:20 and I’m ready to go hiking. Now I have to wait until after noon to do something I’m ready to do NOW. I didn’t want to be difficult so I just sat it out and waited to leave. When we got to our friends place he wasn’t there. He was at the store getting food. That’s when I felt my neck tense up and I started having these vicious thoughts of rage again. I wanted to murder someone. I wanted to bash my face through the car window and sit there with glass shards sticking out of my face to show people how angry I was that my whole day got off track because of breakfast. Who even has breakfast at noon anyways…? Anyways. We ended up leaving and driving toward the hiking spot. I didn’t even want to go because I was so angry so I told Anthony (boyfriend) to turn around and just go home. He brought me home and we didn’t speak the whole way. That made me even more angry. We got home and he doesn’t even get out of the car, he just says, “I’m going to Ryan’s if you don’t mind. I want to see my friends if you want to stay at the house”. I went inside, sat on the couch, thought about how shitty today already was when it was bearly past noon, and punched my head until it was tingling. It felt good. But somewhere deeeeep down was very sad that I had done that. As if I was disappointed with myself when it was myself that had done it. I had a plan this morning… I was going to go to yoga, but when Anthony said he would rather go hiking with me I opted out of yoga and changed plans only to have all of mine fall through and now I’m alone. I texted him that I’m upset about being alone and he responded with “you could have came to Ryan’s”. No I couldn’t have. I’m to depressed to even take my shoes off. I don’t want to waste today because it’s the last full day I have off until I go back to work. I wanted today to be special, I wanted to spend it outside enjoying nature with the company of Anthony. I don’t have the ambition to do anything anymore. I don’t know how to pass the time but I want this day to end.
I’ve taken up hot yoga at a local studio and have experienced benefits both mentally and physically.
After my first class I was sitting, breathing when I thought to myself I’m going to throw up…NOW. I went into the bathroom and had this massive release. It wasn’t even food I had eaten. It was gross toxins that had been sitting in my body for lord knows how long that got loosened by the movements and breathing. The instructors said it was normal for things to “come up” after a class but very rarely do things actually come up. When I got into my car I let out a huge release and began sobbing in happiness because I actually pushed myself to do something. For so long I would lay in bed all day and feel worthless at the end of the day because I didn’t do anything, but today I did. I sweat a shitload, pushed past a lot of mental blocks, and did my body a favor. I remember laying in the final pose and hearing my brain tell me, “you did it. Thank you”. I’ve been getting better and have even noticed a little muscle building. I’m doing yoga for the mental aspects, but if physical ones come too that’s okay by me!
I’ve worked at Apple for two years and In that time have taken off 2 weeks in total. One week was for my grandparents anniversary that brings family from all over the US together on Cape Cod. And the other was for a trip to France.
I don’t take time for myself. I’ve always worked in the restaurant industry so I never knew what vacation time was and I’m not in the habit of using it. That being said, recently I felt like I was either working or not working-nothing in between like my own life. I didn’t have a life, I gave it up to commit to my job. My job is fantastic but I put so much passion into it and get so little back that it leaves me with an underlying feeling of unhappiness. My leaders could see I wasn’t the same bubbly Nicola I’ve been in the past and suggested I take a week off.. I had the vacation time to swing it so I did. I left work that day and committed to getting my life back.
My backstory is quite lengthy so I will save that for another time. In short, I have been battling depression for about three years and never knew it. It’s coupled with a substance abuse issue that has been significantly improved on in the last year. Like I said earlier, I found myself either forcing myself to be perky and happy at work or in and out of sleep on my days off. I moved and didn’t make any new friends and my passion for cooking and being creative died. I felt like I was dead most of the time. I couldn’t feel my limbs but I could feel my thoughts and they didn’t want to live with me anymore. They didn’t like my brain or its vessel- I didn’t like my brain or vessel. I wanted out. I frequently Engadged in self harm like punching myself in the head trying to numb myself from hating what I was thinking. I would drive myself into madness then try to shut it all out by drinking until blackout. It became my ideal way to cope- get drunk enough that my conscious brain would give up and some other part of me that I wasn’t aware of or interact with would take over and I’d wake up in bed alive. It was a vicious cycle and I felt like I had to suffer through the “new me”.
A few weeks ago I relapsed. I binged drank at a bar and drove home with no memory. My neighbors found me on my front lawn and helped me inside and into my bed. I woke up in the morning so disoriented and confused I tried to account for all of my belongings: wallet, phone, keys. Where are my keys? I see my car but there are no keys. I have to get to work, I’m shitfaced, and I can’t find my car keys. I’m bruised from head to toe (a different story) and have no control over my thoughts. I spin into a panic attack and begin vomiting. I put clothes on and start looking around where my car is parked to see if I may had dropped them when my neighbor come out holding my keys shaking his head in disappointment. I got the same talk my parents would’ve given me but all I could do was think about how I wanted to end my shitty existence. I grabbed my keys and told him that thanks to him i no longer want to live. He said the world would be better without idiots who drink and drive like me… little did he know I was drugged and assaulted that night. But my fault. Don’t worry, anything you say will never have the same effect I have over my own brain. You will never hate me as much as I hate myself.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist who has been helping a little. We are trying to figure out if my depression is stemming from the alcoholism or if it’s a neurological thing. I’d prefer no meds, but I also don’t have the ambition to tackle this shit.