Yoga

I’ve taken up hot yoga at a local studio and have experienced benefits both mentally and physically. 

After my first class I was sitting, breathing when I thought to myself I’m going to throw up…NOW. I went into the bathroom and had this massive release. It wasn’t even food I had eaten. It was gross toxins that had been sitting in my body for lord knows how long that got loosened by the movements and breathing. The instructors said it was normal for things to “come up” after a class but very rarely do things actually come up. When I got into my car I let out a huge release and began sobbing in happiness because I actually pushed myself to do something. For so long I would lay in bed all day and feel worthless at the end of the day because I didn’t do anything, but today I did. I sweat a shitload, pushed past a lot of mental blocks, and did my body a favor. I remember laying in the final pose and hearing my brain tell me, “you did it. Thank you”. I’ve been getting better and have even noticed a little muscle building. I’m doing yoga for the mental aspects, but if physical ones come too that’s okay by me! 

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Hiatus from work

I’ve worked at Apple for two years and In that time have taken off 2 weeks in total. One week was for my grandparents anniversary that brings family from all over the US together on Cape Cod. And the other was for a trip to France. 

I don’t take time for myself. I’ve always worked in the restaurant industry so I never knew what vacation time was and I’m not in the habit of using it. That being said, recently I felt like I was either working or not working-nothing in between like my own life. I didn’t have a life, I gave it up to commit to my job. My job is fantastic but I put so much passion into it and get so little back that it leaves me with an underlying feeling of unhappiness. My leaders could see I wasn’t the same bubbly Nicola I’ve been in the past and suggested I take a week off.. I had the vacation time to swing it so I did. I left work that day and committed to getting my life back. 

My backstory is quite lengthy so I will save that for another time. In short, I have been battling depression for about three years and never knew it. It’s coupled with a substance abuse issue that has been significantly improved on in the last year. Like I said earlier, I found myself either forcing myself to be perky and happy at work or in and out of sleep on my days off. I moved and didn’t make any new friends and my passion for cooking and being creative died. I felt like I was dead most of the time. I couldn’t feel my limbs but I could feel my thoughts and they didn’t want to live with me anymore. They didn’t like my brain or its vessel- I didn’t like my brain or vessel. I wanted out. I frequently Engadged in self harm like punching myself in the head trying to numb myself from hating what I was thinking. I would drive myself into madness then try to shut it all out by drinking until blackout. It became my ideal way to cope- get drunk enough that my conscious brain would give up and some other part of me that I wasn’t aware of or interact with would take over and I’d wake up in bed alive. It was a vicious cycle and I felt like I had to suffer through the “new me”. 

A few weeks ago I relapsed. I binged drank at a bar and drove home with no memory. My neighbors found me on my front lawn and helped me inside and into my bed. I woke up in the morning so disoriented and confused I tried to account for all of my belongings: wallet, phone, keys. Where are my keys? I see my car but there are no keys. I have to get to work, I’m shitfaced, and I can’t find my car keys. I’m bruised from head to toe (a different story) and have no control over my thoughts. I spin into a panic attack and begin vomiting. I put clothes on and start looking around where my car is parked to see if I may had dropped them when my neighbor come out holding my keys shaking his head in disappointment. I got the same talk my parents would’ve given me but all I could do was think about how I wanted to end my shitty existence. I grabbed my keys and told him that thanks to him i no longer want to live. He said the world would be better without idiots who drink and drive like me… little did he know I was drugged and assaulted that night. But my fault. Don’t worry, anything you say will never have the same effect I have over my own brain. You will never hate me as much as I hate myself. 

I have been seeing a psychiatrist who has been helping a little. We are trying to figure out if my depression is stemming from the alcoholism or if it’s a neurological thing. I’d prefer no meds, but I also don’t have the ambition to tackle this shit. 

Changing

I am a leaf. 

Created from something much larger than itself, that has been created by something much larger than anything else-the universe.

Time never stops. 

Rocketing forward derailing anything in its path onto a new course. Intention depends on time, without time intention would have no train to travel on. 

Inner peace is the key to happiness. 

It is often easier to wollow in our states of unhappiness and unfulfillment than it is to ignight a fire deep enough inside ourselves to create change. Often times we remain in states of discomfort in fear failure will lead to more of those emotions. Breaking free from your own “stopping thoughts” always leads you to self-empowerment and allows you to push your mind/body boundaries.