My Head Hurts

After the unexplainable rage subsides I am left with a throbbing forehead and a bruised palm/knuckles. 
I don’t know why I did it. 

It felt invigorating. I felt in control. 

Maybe, I thought to myself, my mind wanted to turn my rage-filled thoughts into actions. My Head thought, “maybe if I turn my actions physical they will leave my mental..”. it didn’t work that way. 

After I engaged in self harm I thought I had really damaged something. I did. I popped a blood vessel in my hand from smacking my forehead so violently. I had bruised my knuckles as well as my face. 

I didn’t care about the bruises.

I didn’t care about my hurt hand. 

I just want these feelings to GO AWAY. 

I was doing so great for a whole week I was getting back in control. Four days ago I felt it creeping back but tried to tune it out. I stopped going to yoga, stopped cooking my own food, and am on edge with everyone because at any moment they could set me off spiraling down again. 

Waking up this morning and rolling over was painful. Just brushing my head against something hurts. I am so angry with myself for causing myself harm. I can’t explain it, but it almost feels good. I almost escape. 

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3 thoughts on “My Head Hurts

  1. I had a moment, though not sure if it resonates with you or not, where I was just mad not really at anyone but myself, the frustration where there were no direction but just mere the existence of my self was pissing me off.

    Sad part is no matter the positive thoughts no matter what I read or meditate, nothing could stop that clenching in the jaw and the hatred growing in the heart. Then I start shit with someone close to me knowing that will make them hate me but that feeling being hated or pitying myself is what makes me feel good in some weird sense as if I need the drama in my life.

    What I do when things happen like when I’m in the ultimate rage mode is watch bunch of you tube videos on what would you do and suicide prank. For some odd reason, that just releases a lot of tears and relieving that livid feeling and allowing me to go for one more day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. best of luck to that, sometimes uncovering more leads to better assessment in how to deal with what we call “sudden emotional moments stuck in our heart valve”. I hope you find something or empathize something from there.

    Like

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